“When are you going to start dating again?”

by | Apr 10, 2009 | Being The Widow, Friends Of The Widow, Things People Say To You, Top Ten Things Not To Say To A New Widow

When I’m ready, I promise we’ll both know. Until then, don’t worry about it. I’m learning to be single again and that’s not such a bad thing. Well, okay, sometimes it’s perceived that way. See “Widows and Gays Table” post.

Perhaps some of my resentment is my surprise in finding out how frantic people are to see me coupled. There’s a great deal of generous love behind their question, they’d like to see me happy again and what’s better happiness than being in love? Good point.

When lamenting being asked this question, one friend told me, “Don’t worry about dating for now. But, someday I hope to dance at your wedding again.” Such a lovely way to say there was hope that love would come around once more. The important aspect of saying this, as opposed to asking about what I’m doing on Saturday night, is the abstract quality of saying love will reappear in its own time. It’s letting me be okay with sorting out what I’ve lost so I can find my way to being open to love again. It’s also a reminder that love from friends is all around me, whether I’m coupled up or not. In a gentle way it was reminding me that true love is resilient, sturdy and will reappear again. Perhaps in a different form, but it will reappear. Her sweet words have stuck with me.

Asking if I’m dating is wondering when I’m going to get back on that horse and dang it, I’m not getting any younger so better get after it. Instead of saying, “take your time, love will wait for you” it’s reminding me that tempus is fugiting and I’d better fluff up the cleavage, put on the heels and get back into the game before I get called the loser.

Is it really so bad to be single? I wouldn’t give up my years of love with John for anything. There were good things and bad, as there are in any relationship. There seem to be good things and bad about being single. Isn’t it okay to just try to be happy, with or without a partner? That’s what I did when we were married, it’s what I’m trying to do now. And if I fall in love again, it’s what I will do with the New Dude. I wouldn’t expect less from anyone.

“You’re so brave. I could never go through something like this.”

by | Apr 10, 2009 | Being The Widow, Friends Of The Widow, Things People Say To You, Top Ten Things Not To Say To A New Widow

I know you mean well, but try not to say this out loud. I’m not being brave. And I am most certainly not “the Merry Widow”. Brave was making my marriage work despite his many affairs and through the worsening disabilities we both faced. What I’m facing now is merely getting through this terrible event. Do not mix bravery with having to go through what got thrown at me. Do not mistake me enjoying myself in a social situation with my broken heart. Two different things. Believe me, I’d turn tail and run if I could.

My grandmother, who had lost a son (my uncle) when he was only 42, would say, “Some things you just have to live through.” That’s very true. Some things you just have to put your head down, lean into and get through. If you love someone and I presume as a sentient person there’s someone you do love, you’re going to face this loss at some point with someone you love. You’ll get through it too. We all do. Just in different ways.

This comment made me feel pretty bad and I can’t really clarify why. I’m sure the speaker was just trying to tell me they admired me and wanted me to know. But it kind of made me feel invisible, since I felt so crushed and lost. I didn’t feel brave in the least. It takes a huge amount of energy just to get through every day after the death. I’m sure she wanted to be supportive and was admiring me getting out in public at all. It just made me feel like I had no one to lean on.

Some things you just have to live through.