by PracticalWidow | Apr 13, 2009 | Being The Widow, Friends Of The Widow, Things People Say To You, Top Ten Things Not To Say To A New Widow
Yes, this gets said to new widows. I’m always temped to answer, “Are you offering some more?”
But that doesn’t get either of us anywhere. Remember, the most likely subtext is, “I know this is a huge change in your life and suddenly your income has dropped by half. I hope that it does not adversely affect you. I hope you’re still secure enough and you don’t have that additional worry hanging over you during this difficult time.” That or they are just nosyparkers scouring for idle gossip.
Good intentions aside, it’s simply not a question to ask. Unless you had that kind of relationship with the couple before one of them died and you would sit around together talking about your respective incomes and savings investment plans. Even then, it’s still not a question you should be asking. My estate lawyer told me hair-raising stories of other widows who discovered their spouses had secret credit cards and accounts maxed out to tens of thousands of dollars. Fascinating, but still none of my business.
I also had more than one neighbor come by the house after John died. (Neighbors, no less. Not even strangers!) I thought to offer condolences. Silly me. After a short while, they pulled out their business cards—they were Realtors! And wanted my listing. It’s like a call went out, “We Have Widow! She’ll be selling soon!” Sadly for them, I had no intention of moving. It’s the equivalent of ambulance chasing—it’s hearse chasing.
In many forms, the question does get asked. Instead of the clever quips I would later come up with (at 3:00 a.m. after the opportunity had long past) I generally answered, “Thank you, I’m doing okay.” I figured that was generic enough and they just wanted to know that I was alright.
It’s not like they’re going to do anything about it. Why give them the satisfaction of gossip. Let them make up their own.
by PracticalWidow | Apr 13, 2009 | Being The Widow, Friends Of The Widow, Things People Say To You, Top Ten Things Not To Say To A New Widow
Yes, it’s hard to go through a divorce. Yes, it hurts. But it’s not the same.
This gets said surprisingly often to new widows. The fundamental difference, even if the divorce happened out of the blue and without your approval—you’ve got a live person to be angry at, to rail against, to work out the final details with. While I’m generalizing here and everyone’s situation is different, I expected my marriage to go on. Then, it was over. And I could not even pretend I had options. It. Was. Over.
Let me assure you that John and I did not sail in undisturbed marital seas. We had a rough time of it for several years. John had affairs because like the crow with the shiny thing, he just couldn’t pass up foolish attention and I simply got fed up with it. In fact, I did everything I could to get him to leave. I made him move out of the house and we separated for nearly a year. (While we had deeply painful struggles through this time, we nonetheless spoke every day either on the phone or in person. Always about some trivial thing. We truly loved one another, despite this, well, rather fundamental problem of him having these ridiculous affairs. But that’s another posting.) Ultimately, we chose not to divorce. Or rather, since I’m the survivor here and history belongs to the living, I chose not to divorce him. He clearly wasn’t leaving.
Anyway. We reconciled. We worked hard at it. We loved each other even more for having fought it out and won. And I know not every couple does. Still, even at the worst of times he was there. Now he’s not. It’s not the same at all.
What can you do instead for the widow if you’re the divorcée? Take her out to dinner. Drop by for coffee. Bring her to a party. Get concert tickets and go together. Go for a walk. Invite her into your book group. Set an exercise goal and work together toward it. You know how it feels to be newly single and how hard it can be. Go show her how it isn’t so hard. One single friend of mine came over for dinner and we had a great time learning about making easy dinners for one. Teach her some of your hard-won lessons. Teach her how to be single again.
Just don’t compare how you got there.
by PracticalWidow | Apr 13, 2009 | Friends Of The Widow, Top Ten Things Not To Say To A New Widow
Oh, I could go on about this one for pages and pages. I could write involved masters dissertations and multiple doctoral theses on the subject.
You’ve said it. I’ve said it. We’ve all said it. It’s pretty much the standard Thing To Say. So I’m putting it in the “Don’t” category, right? Well, yes and I’m also putting it in the “Do” category. You want desperately to do something for your friend, to help them through this difficult time, to help yourself with your own sorrow. And you want to do something that is genuinely needed, that matters and that really does help. You don’t want to make things worse.
Easier said than done? That’s why so many people say this phrase. It’s easy to say! It’s harder to come up with alternatives. Or we say the wrong thing and she gets upset. Or we make offers and get rebuffed by the grieving widow. Why should we keep trying when nothing we do is right?
If we were all in a cartoon, here is an illustration of the thought balloon I imagine going above everyone’s head:
FRIEND: If there’s anything you need, let me know.
FRIEND THOUGHT BALLOON: I know you’re hurting and I genuinely want to help
WIDOW: Thank you, I don’t need anything right now.
WIDOW THOUGHT BALLOON: I can barely think of my own name, I can’t think of an assignment for you. You’re just making it harder.
F: Why don’t I do [your helpful suggestion here]?
FTB: Maybe if I just tell her what she needs, I can be useful and not just stand here helplessly watching her cry.
W: I just want to be alone. [alternatively: I just want some company.]
WTB: Please don’t leave me alone. [alternatively: Go away.]
F: Okay.
FTB: I want to help but I can’t bring her husband back. She’s crazy.
W: Okay.
WTB: I need your help but you can’t bring my husband back. I’m going crazy.
Therein lies the rub. She wants your help. She wants to be left alone. She wants you to do things. She doesn’t want you to touch anything. She wants you to say the right thing. She only hears the wrong thing. Because the only thing she wants is to make the grief go away and no living person can do that. A grim reality no one, especially the widow, wants to face.
It’s saying it over and over again but never doing anything about it where the problem comes in. Trust me on this one: She’s heard it over and over and over since the death. Over and over. Seriously. It gets a little overwhelming and as the widow you eventually want to scream, “I don’t KNOW!”
Here’s how you can make it something worthwhile: If you don’t genuinely mean it and have something in mind—and if you can’t follow it up—say something else.
What might help, then? Let’s get some suggestions out there:
Surrounding the death
Between the death and the funeral/service
After the fun is out of the funeral
The first half year
Anniversaries
Holidays
by PracticalWidow | Apr 13, 2009 | Being The Widow, Coping with death and loss
My oldest brother died on May 23, 2007, six months before John died. Just out of the blue. Existing one minute, not existing the next. No one saw it coming, most likely least of all him. Turned out his heart just stopped. He was a big man and he did have a big heart in every sense of the word, but we all certainly thought it would be ticking a lot longer than this. He was taking his morning shower and simply. dropped. dead.
There’s no term for “survivor of a sibling” like there is “survivor of a spouse”. Also, no term for what my parents are now. Seems like there should be a word that identifies your new status, “My child has died” or “My sibling has died” in the same way that “widow” now also categorizes me. Odd that there is a word for “divorcee” but nothing to succinctly describe this. Would it all just be too many labels?
by PracticalWidow | Apr 12, 2009 | Friends Of The Widow
This applies to any friendship on any level. It’s something that is not that hard to do but has enormous impact. It means a lot to the widow. It’s enormously soothing to see a physical manifestation that someone’s life really mattered. It reinforces community. Most importantly, it tells the widow that she is not alone, there are people who genuinely care from immediate family to casual friendships. It says there is a web of support out there. It’s deeply humbling and enormously reassuring.
It matters. It’s maybe two hours out of your day. Do it.
You don’t have to say much. The smallest gesture can make a difference. One friend came by the family viewing with a handful of flowers he had chosen because they were the colors of John’s favorite baseball team, the Houston Astros. A small detail but it was thoughtful, it had a big impact on me.
There’s plenty of reasons you might not be able to get to the services—not everyone’s situation permits it. (For alternative suggestions, check out this post) Do your honest best to get there. Yes, it’s inconvenient, but ceremony binds us together. Do not say something along the lines of “Funerals make me sad”. You think that the widow is thrilled to be having this particular party? Really? You think she needs to hear that this terrible ordeal she’s going through is making you feel bad? They make everyone sad, for goodness sake. They’re awful for everyone. That’s why you’re there, to help each other get through it. Put some black clothes on and buck up.
On a funereal note, personally I’m not a fan of the Celebration of Life style of service. For me, John alive was his celebration of life. His family, his friends and our collective recollections of who he was and his influence on all of us continue to be a celebration of his life. His funeral was a sad occasion and I saw no reason to pretend otherwise. But that’s me.
Everyone needs different things at the funeral, so be flexible and go with the flow. Be present. Shake hands or give a hug, depending on your relationship. Sign the book. Then go remember your friend however you like.
