“When are you going to start dating again?”

When I’m ready, I promise we’ll both know. Until then, don’t worry about it. I’m learning to be single again and that’s not such a bad thing. Well, okay, sometimes it’s perceived that way. See “Widows and Gays Table” post.

Perhaps some of my resentment is my surprise in finding out how frantic people are to see me coupled. There’s a great deal of generous love behind their question, they’d like to see me happy again and what’s better happiness than being in love? Good point.

When lamenting being asked this question, one friend told me, “Don’t worry about dating for now. But, someday I hope to dance at your wedding again.” Such a lovely way to say there was hope that love would come around once more. The important aspect of saying this, as opposed to asking about what I’m doing on Saturday night, is the abstract quality of saying love will reappear in its own time. It’s letting me be okay with sorting out what I’ve lost so I can find my way to being open to love again. It’s also a reminder that love from friends is all around me, whether I’m coupled up or not. In a gentle way it was reminding me that true love is resilient, sturdy and will reappear again. Perhaps in a different form, but it will reappear. Her sweet words have stuck with me.

Asking if I’m dating is wondering when I’m going to get back on that horse and dang it, I’m not getting any younger so better get after it. Instead of saying, “take your time, love will wait for you” it’s reminding me that tempus is fugiting and I’d better fluff up the cleavage, put on the heels and get back into the game before I get called the loser.

Is it really so bad to be single? I wouldn’t give up my years of love with John for anything. There were good things and bad, as there are in any relationship. There seem to be good things and bad about being single. Isn’t it okay to just try to be happy, with or without a partner? That’s what I did when we were married, it’s what I’m trying to do now. And if I fall in love again, it’s what I will do with the New Dude. I wouldn’t expect less from anyone.

Born in 1961. Married in 1990. Widowed in 2007. Blogging in 2009.

3 comments On “When are you going to start dating again?”

  • I have started “dating” again for companionship and it amazes me just how many people want to rush into commitment even though they know the relationship I had with my husband. He was my best friend and has been gone only 13 months. How do you keep people at arms lenght without going through a different guy each week ?

  • PracticalWidow

    That’s a darn good question! I really don’t know. It seems an entirely personal thing, I think some people are just more comforted knowing their relationship is committed, or at very least knowing the status of it. It’s a good discussion, I’d like to know that answer myself! Are your dates divorced, widowed or single? I’m wondering if those of us who are widowed are less inclined to “rush” into something because we come from a different place than those who went through divorce. Pure speculation on my part…

  • @PracticalWidow
    Divorced, and I believe you are definitely onto something. It is just so frustrating having gone through finding my young husband dead now being upfront enough with people to say “I want companionship not commitment” then a month later…it rears it’s ugly head. Thank you for your response and your website.

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How else do I know what hurts and what helps? Because not only were they done to me… I learned through this process that I am certain to have done the very same "Don't" things to others at some point along the way. If you're one of them, I am genuinely sorry. I'm trying to learn.